If there was one thing I wish I had given more thought to when I became a stay at home mom (SAHM), it would be, the career plan. Making the decision to be a stay at home mom was an emotional one. Faced with three screaming babies with tons of complications I wanted to stay home with my kids. So I didn’t spend any time thinking about the next step, I just knew right at that time I was going to stay home. Is it possible at that emotional moment to make career plans? I don’t think so. The planning needs to happen before. We all accept that the plan will change. Staying home might change you, as your priorities shift.

Some questions that might be helpful to ask yourself as you consider being a stay at home mom:

• How long do I intend to stay home?
• What if I really don’t like staying home?
• What kind of a relationship do I want to keep with my previous colleagues?
• Do I want to keep a toe in the field or not?
• How do I intend to transition back to work?

There are so many practical obstacles that stay at home moms that want to transition back into the workforce need to overcome:

• Finding affordable and stable child care
• Managing the new schedule change
• Deciding what job to look for
• Getting the required skills
• Parsing out chores
• Buying a new wardrobe
• Giving up day time activities
• Updating their resume
• Interviewing
• The resume gap
• Networking

The most difficult obstacle to overcome is found internally: Having Self Confidence.

Daisy

When I picked up the book on Juliette Gordon Low, who went by Daisy her entire life, I had no idea that her ultimate destiny alluded her till fifteen years before her death. I will admit I knew very little about her life, including that she was barren and that her unhappy marriage caused her such grief. To say she had a fascinating life and family is an understatement. What struck me the most is that she spent the first fifty years of her life trying to figure out what to do with it.

Daisy was a quirky person. What I love about the period in which she grew up, and mostly her parents, no one tried to “fix” her. She was different but then again, aren’t we all? Growing up in the shadow of a powerful family where her parents were well accomplished Daisy was always aware that she needed to find her place in life and “be something”. She wanted to contribute, and her inability to find her passion threw her into a depression several times in her life.

What an amazing experience it would have been to coach someone that was clearly so talented yet so lost. Being barren, being a stay-at-home-mom was not an option for her. She found herself lost in a sea of friends that were having children and taking care of them. To add insult to injury, she was in an unhappy, lonely marriage and looking after an errant husband was not an option. I can completely see how her circumstances could have led her to feel like she had not found any “use” for her life, yet she so desperately yearned for one.

Would a life or transition coach have been able to tease out her core values which included family, community and a great sense of belonging? Would a life coach have been able to highlight her strengths which lay in delivering anything she set her mind to, organizing, connecting with people easily and being a fun and outgoing person? If a life coach had been able to tease all that out, could they have helped her connect the dots to what options lay out there for her that could bring her values, strengths and deep need to connect together? I don’t think that a life coach would have said “establish girl scouts” but together they could have looked at “what was out there” that might match and together they might have come up with other creative alternatives that as yet did not exist.

I am happy that Daisy found her purpose. I just wonder if it could have been done without the years of anxiety and desperate searching. Just wondering.

Recently, after a heated exchange that involved her cleaning her room and having to take a bath, my daughter told me “I will never do that to my kids”! She didn’t appreciate my by then exasperated tone of voice and she told me that she would never, ever yell at her kids. We both declared I was the worst mommy in history and left it at that.

The conversation jogged my memory of all the things I told myself I would never do when I had kids:

1. Inflict Pain and Bodily Harm

And I don’t, for the most part. I must however admit that sometimes I have fallen short. I have gotten so infuriated by my precious angels that I grabbed the arm a little harder than I should. Unlike my parents though I didn’t take any pleasure in doing it.

2. Set ridiculous bed times

My parents, my dad especially just never saw past eight o’clock. It so happened that all the best TV shows started shortly after eight. Since I was the youngest of six I was constantly regaled with stories of what JR and Bobby Ewing were up in Dallas or the latest drama that was unfolding in Falcon Crest. I swore back then I would never make my children miss such rich content. Alas, mine go to bed at 7:30!

3. Insist on Church

My dad was a pastor. I don’t remember having the “what shall we do this Sunday morning?” discussion. I decided that I would be more willing to tolerate the occasional: “mom I really don’t want to go to church” request. Up till this point I haven’t received any such request but I somehow doubt as Sunday School teachers we can play hookie. What kind of example would that set?

4. Make my kids do school work during the holidays

Growing up, I felt the weight of the sacrifices my parents made to give me access to an education that was otherwise inaccessible to black people in South Africa. My dad was laser focused on me getting an education and everything else was secondary. Some of this worked in my favor – my older sister was burdened with all my chores (thanks sis). But what I was expected to do with my free time was not always what I would have chosen. On the last day of the school year we were given the list of books for the next grade. My overeager dad and my reluctant self, headed down to the closest Juttas (a schoolbook supply store) and bought all the English and Afrikaans reading books. This would be my entertainment for the summer. You try reading Romeo and Juliet or a Midsummer Night’s Dream on your own – at the tender age of 14. Heavy stuff. How do the summers look for my kids? Well, some things you just can’t escape.

5. Mess up school supplies

My mom was notorious for this. I remember two mortifying examples when I was in 1st grade. The teacher asked us to bring an egg to school. At school we all took out our eggs and our paint brushes. It wouldn’t have mattered how gently I had held it – splat! The egg cracked and oozed egg juice all over my desk and books. Apparently everyone else had known to boil the egg. Not to be fooled a second time when we were asked to bring a potato my mom boiled it the night before, so it would be nice and cool to take to school the next day. You try and stick toothpicks into a boiled potato to make a potato head! I could have had mashed potato for lunch for lunch that day. All I can conclude about the mistakes that I have already made in packing (or not packing their stuff) is that it builds character.

6. Ban tattling

Perspective is everything. When growing up (did I mention I was the youngest of six) it seems like I was always getting picked on. With four older brothers it was really hard to settle things without a fight. I felt my position was obviously the one that should be supported. I was younger and I was a girl. Somehow my parents thought it was best to let us work it out. Well guess what I tell my little angels when they come running in with three different versions of the same incident? Wow, it sounds like you guys need to talk – to each other!

7. Have an Endless List of Tasks

My husband pointed this out to my son the other day. He said “I could tell you it’s ok to play on the ipad but that would be me not knowing what your mom has on her list for you”. You see dad’s don’t really have lists. Sure enough my son asked if he could play on the ipad and my response went something like “Have you finished your homework, packed your backpack, taken your bath and picked up your room?”. There is always something that needs to be done before you can get to the good stuff.

8. Worry So Much

How many times did I use these three little words “Don’t worry mom”? They are not even teenagers yet and I feel like I’m losing my hair with worry.  It started when they were born and the sum of their birth weights didn’t add up to 8 pounds. When we finally got rid of the feeding tubes and nasal cannula for oxygen, then it was developmental milestones. One wasn’t walking, another not talking and another needed repeated surgeries. First grade is meant to be easy street. Apparently this street will again be paved with many bumps. None of this comes with labels, instructions or warning signs.

9. Let Them Suck Their Thumbs

Luckily my niece grew up to be a fine young lady despite my well-intentioned baby sitting mishaps. My brother and I decided that the thumb sucking had to stop. She was 3 and it seemed like it had gone on long enough. We pooled our resources, did some research and found, what is probably now a banned substance, a product called Why Bite! When her 2 am screams were still rattling the windows thumb sucking didn’t seem so bad and I didn’t seem to have anyone on my side. We had tried to wash the bitter acrid residue of the drops off her thumb without any success.  I resolved that with mine things would be different. We wouldn’t have any thumb sucking so we wouldn’t have to spend years trying to stop. I am happy to report that my kids are seven and they don’t suck their thumbs. I lost track, but I think it’s been at least for 2 years (maybe less!).

10. Force Them To Eat Their Vegetables

What is it with parents and vegetables? Kids can never catch a break. Luckily it is not a battle to get my kids to eat healthy but we do try to foster a spirit “Try them, try them and you may. Try them and you may I say”. The fact remains, the dessert doesn’t come out until all the veggies have been consumed. 

11. Say “Because I said so”

Oh I feel so powerful when I make this declaration, “Because I said so!” It leaves no room for argument, discussion or negotiation and can really be used for any scenario. Very convenient for the parent, not so for the kid. Then again none of this is meant to be for their convenience.

12. Show Up at the Bus Stop in Pajamas

 This clearly falls under the category of letting yourself go. If you are consciously able to walk from your house to the bus with pj’s on you are communicating something. It seems to communicate that you could not be bothered to even throw on a pair of sweats. Now when I start picking them up in pj’s then we will all know there’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

13. Embarrass My Kids

Till the day I left high school, if my dad was dropping me off at school, he would lean over a give me a little peck on the cheek. I was mortified. I would immediately look to see which car was behind us, and it was always someone I knew, and that would set the tone for that days teasing. I think I can safely promise to never intentionally do anything to embarrass my kids. The problem, however, is not so much what I think is embarrassing so much as what they think is embarrassing. At some point my mere entry into a room with them and their friends might cause them to want to duck behind the couch. This cannot be helped.

 14. Scream and yell at my kids

Now that I am a mom, I think my parents didn’t do nearly as much screaming as I give them credit for nor as much as they should have. Kids do a lot of scream worthy things. Who can blame parents? The very thought that I would some how be immune to their blatant disregard of my instructions, their repeated forgetting, and their insistent cry of “I know” when they never “do” can put one on the edge. 

My parents didn’t keep a blog, it would be fascinating to read if they had. So to my seven year old daughter who swears up and down to never do the things I do, I hope you find this blog helpful in the future.

15. What have you done that was on your not to do list?

Who can blame us for wanting to avoid the awkward silence, the nervous smiles and small talk that comes with running out of things to talk about? It’s extremely excruciating to make small talk for extended periods of time. I want to ensure the same fate does not befall you. For some having little to talk about is an occupational hazard. Stay at home moms might find their lives revolving around their children, which although interesting take us down that dangerous one topic path which we want to avoid.

If Dos Equis is not available to make you the most interesting man in the world, then try some of these:

1. Be ridiculously good at something. Nothing is as boring as mediocre. Absolutely nothing interesting about average. It’s the exceptional that people want to talk about.

2. Learn a party trick. I was a new hire at Price Waterhouse Coopers and I decided to liven up our happy hour. I poured black sambucca into my mouth, swirled it around, lit a match and set my mouth ablaze. That’s the night I met the CEO.

3. Be a fanatic about something. Not in that creepy kind of KKK way. More like passionate. I love talking to sport nuts, political junkies, chocahololics or number crunchers. This is the most interesting way to get updates on any given topic.

4. Have an opinion. Yes, some people take this way too far. There is a bad case of being too opinionated. Still, I think you are infinitely more interesting if you have an opinion than if you go through life trying not to ruffle any feathers and thinking all sides are right.

5. Do something weird. Did you see the video of the guy who shot his daughter’s laptop or the video of the Kony 2012 director walking around naked? Now I don’t know for a fact, but I am sure those guys are not stuck in the corner of a room making small talk.

6. Develop a sense of humor. Some of the most interesting people out there are the ones that are effortlessly funny. Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites have made this so apparent. People flock to funny.

7. Pick up a hobby. Running is a big pastime for my husband. Yes, it’s exercise but at some point some things cross that line and they start to take on a life of their own. There are bigger and bigger goals set, clubs are joined and travel is planned around what used to be just a little jog to the park. It has been fascinating learning the intricacies of preparing for important runs. For instance did you know there are dress rehearsals in running?

8. Read. Even the most unlikely of books can be full of juicy nuggets. I was given a book about our first girl scout Juliette Gordon Low. I had no idea how fascinating her story would be. Over and above the fact that her household was almost torn apart during the American civil war, because her mother was from the north and her dad from the south, she was also deaf for most of her adult life. I created my own virtual reading club through Linked-In. I have people that I don’t  even know following my reading list.

9. Be interested in other people. There is much difference between someone who is waiting for their turn to talk and someone who is engaged in what you are telling them. People will avoid you if you are immersed in your problems and are constantly hogging conversations. Sure, tell us what’s going on in your life, we want to know, then hand over the talking stick.

10. Watch good movies. The kind of movie you just can’t wait to share. By the time I watch the box hits most people have moved on. I don’t mind lagging though, because a good movie is a good movie. Anyone know when The Help is coming out on DVD? It’s on my list.

11. Travel. I have found virtual travel makes you just as interesting as hopping on a plane, after all some of us are a little short on cash. My virtual travel site of choice is Pinterest. I can pin where I want to go on my board and et voila, I’m there, virtually.

12. Become a storyteller. How is possible that someone who is a wounded former police officer turned private investigator manages to make that sound like the most drab job in the world and yet I am rolling on the floor with laughter as my friend describes an accident she had while picking up a loaf of bread. Why is that? Because stories are what bring it all together.

Please forward to anyone that might benefit from this list. It will be a lot kinder coming from me.

So I built in more consequences:

1. I listen to audiobooks while I work out - Before I took on this strategy, I had a million books to read and never enough time. Now, I listen while I workout. I can see how easily I could get through the mountains of books on my list. When I skip days at the gym, I start lagging behind and the old frustration builds up.

2. I use the sauna for quiet time - I find the sauna to be a warm, comfortable place. 99% Of the time, I am the only one there. I use the few minutes I am there to relax and reflect. If I don’t have this time I find my day is rushed.

3. I Shower at the Gym - This saves both time and money. Once I am showered and dressed I am ready for my next appointment, no need to go home and waste more time getting ready. I was also able to reduce our monthly water bill by 10%. Consequently if I skip going to the gym, there is a small price to pay.

4. I get my special treat – I have a treat I make only after working out. It’s a layer of cottage cheese, fresh fruit and granola. Although I love my cottage cheese mix, it is reserved solely for after workouts. So if I am craving my treat, I put on my sneakers and head out the door.

5. I set up workout appointments – If you know anything about me, you know that I always show up. Once an appointment has been made it would take a monumental disaster for me not to honor it. So if I have someone waiting to work out with me, I show up.

No one likes to feel pain. Once there are enough consequences that it’s just too painful to not workout, you’ll go running out the door to get your workout in.

What do you find yourself putting off and what consequence could you build in to make it more painful to put it off?

Volunteering is a natural place to turn. Through volunteer work you can develop new skills or sharpen current skills while searching for a job. If you have been out of the workforce for a long time volunteering is a great way to transition back in.

Join our call today at noon EST to find out how you could strategically use your volunteering time to support your job search. One of the topics we will cover is what to consider when finding a volunteer position. The right opportunity will be one where you feel needed but also where you have fun and are making a meaningful contribution.

Courtesy of iPhoneinCanada

I was recently approached to serve on the board of an organization, my first reaction was not enthusiasm. How could I possibly fit it in? What would I drop from my already busy schedule? But I considered it and left it at that. But planned or not, the buzz that would be created around this recruitment campaign is what got me to sign on.

No one knows how to create buzz like Apple. There is a new industry growing of predictors, fortune tellers and ultimately buzz creators that make their living on predicting the next device. Apple depends on them for their number one spot for market capitalization, making Apple the most valuable company in the world. The much anticipated launch has propelled the number of downloads from itunes to 25 billion making it untouchable by any other smartphone. The Apple buzz has a real tangible monetary value, and it’s billions.

On Monday, I read an article on Mashable that went out on a limb, and called it. They declared they knew what Apple was going to launch. The title of the article? Apple is Launching the iPad HD - there we called it. Mashable spends a lot of time tracking the rumors. They promise to give us the technology news first, so if they are right, I bet you that will create some buzz. If they are wrong, people have such short memories it will be forgotten in a week and besides us techies will be distracted, gawking at the new iPad.

A couple of days after I had been approached about serving on the board, I went to a parent seminar. Someone I knew casually remarked, “So I heard you are considering serving on the board?”. Wow, word travels fast, who else is talking about this? I was flattered. This time though, I expressed my interest. I had been looking for a way to get involved and this might be the right opportunity. I started researching the position a little more and felt comfortable I knew what it involved. The transition would be smooth as a lot of board members would stay on. It would be an opportunity to use my coaching and other skills to support an organization I felt was doing life changing work. The buzz was working.

The clincher was when I was picked out by someone I had never met at a banquet attended by some 300 people. I don’t think I stand out, do I? Just another person standing in the dessert line. “Are you Fez?”. After I had claimed my identity, she said she heard I was considering the position. Get out! How many people were in on this anyway? I started scanning the room to see if anyone else had me under close surveillance. By the end of the night, I knew that this was the way to get a candidate on board. Each person had had a different conversation with me but the underlying theme was the same: You would be a valued member of the team, we would love to have you on board! Now don’t get me wrong, most of these things are because no one else will volunteer, so it’s just a sheer act of desperation. If this was one, it was the most subtle and well executed one out there.

I for one am on the edge of my seat. I am fascinated by how a multi-billion company manages to keep the lid on a product that is being worked on by thousands of employees. These guys could teach the Secret Service a thing or two. The only people that are mum about their product launch is Apple. You won’t see a thing about it on their website, then again, that would kill the buzz, wouldn’t it?

Have you been following the buzz or does this fall into the iDon’tCare category?

If you want to run and hide now, I get it. But stick with me for a second. Have the resolutions gone the same direction as the goals and resolutions of years gone by or has something changed this year? I would love to know if you are on track and if not what we need to do to get back on track. This is where most people give up. If I couldn’t even do one thing on the list, then why even bother with the other 10? That would be too bad considering there are still 311 days left in the year.

Take for instance my hypochondriac son. The trouble started when he read that dreadful book: “Ouch: How Your Body Makes it Through a Really Bad Day”. The goal of the book is innocent enough – just an introduction to your human body. Unfortunately it’s an introduction to a human body that is attacked by a bee, invaded by ear parasites, pathogens, lice, asthma attacks, vomiting and choking. Rich fodder for a boy with a vivid imagination. The book shamelessly lists and goes into details on the things that can go wrong with a little boy (around the age of 7!) from dawn to dusk. My son was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. He could not stop reading it. He did stop other things like sleeping and eating, which I found far more damaging and immediate than the tape worm he imagined suctioned to his large intestines. His anxiety and paranoia rose with each new factoid.  He was really scared. He was filling his mind with graphic stories of his body being attacked. His sisters thought he was going insane.

Surely some parallels can be drawn from this for moms that have been out of the work force for a long time. Moms that have never stopped working probably don’t understand what the big deal is. You worked before, just get up and do the same thing.  When I was in the corporate work mode I really didn’t give it a second thought either. Get up, get dressed, go to work. No problem.

There is however a remarkable shift after you have been a stay at home mom for an extended period of time. The working world has changed as have you. Things are a little more complicated now and frankly since you have taken charge of all the household activities, unburdening yourself is not trivial. The thought of transitioning back to work is terrifying to most and your fears might be so powerful that you are immobilized by them.

There are some things you can do to get mentally prepared and get over the fear:

1. Focus On What You Bring To The Table

It’ is pretty common to have low self esteem after being out the work force for an extended period of time. Don’t be fooled into thinking you have nothing to offer. Sure, you might be a little rusty, a little rough around the edges, but why dwell on that? There will be hurdles you will need to overcome. But be certain about what your strengths are and what you offer, that is what will sell you.

2. Focus On What You Will Get Out Of The Job

It amazes how some people have no expectation of getting anything but a pay check out of a job. If you are looking for the right job for you there is going to be far more than the financial compensation to get you excited. The job you are looking for is going to excite you for what it will mean to you. The intangible rewards and benefits could be meeting more people, travelling, selling a product you really believe in or working with a company that aligns with your values.

3. Start Visualizing Work

I’ll admit I love day dreaming. I think I picked it up from my kids. They day dream about fairies, magic doors and other impossible magical creatures and events. They can tell you every detail they see in their mind. It doesn’t matter that the events will never happen, in their mind they already have. Start day dreaming about a day at the office (or whatever that environment looks like for you). Seeing the image in our mind makes us less anxious and prepares you emotionally for the change.

4. Talk To Those That Have Recently Made The Transition

In hindsight it’s lucky that I was a fearful child and can easily relate to my son’s fears. I was scared of the dark, being left alone, my parents dying and a long list of other fears that I am sure were based on some piece of information I had learnt somewhere. So when my son pelleted me with questions about asthma I listened (mostly patiently). He wanted to know how I would know if he was wheezing. He thought he felt dust mites in his throat and he had read that those could lead to asthma. His eyes grew really large when I revealed to him that his sister had cold induced asthma and she seemed to be surviving just fine.

So talk to a mom who made the transition and lived to tell the tale. They might have suggestions of what they did and what they would do differently.

5. Tell Yourself A Different Story

My son was telling himself such a powerful story about the ailments in the book that he started feeling tummy aches, he felt lice crawling in his hair (and eye lashes) and one day he was sure his appendix had ruptured. That is powerful. He actually had real physical and emotional changes as a result of his belief in his own story. He shyly told me the other day that he thought his stomach aches had gone away because he stopped reading Ouch. Precisely. Maybe your current story goes: “Going to work is going to be so terrible. There are so many logistics to think of. My skills are really rusty.” A new story could go more along the lines of: “Going to work is going to open up opportunities I currently don’t have access to.” “I want to work in a fun and vibrant environment that puts my my skills and talents to use.” You might need help to make such a really powerful mind-shift so that it has staying power and a lasting impact.

I finally got rid of the book. My attempts were obstructed repeatedly as my son continuously retrieved the library bound book from the car. After getting rid of the offending book I brought home a book called “You Are Weird: Your Body’s Peculiar Parts and Funny Functions.” This time he was learning about his body and laughing so hard he didn’t have time to worry. The mind shifting chapter was titled “Bacteria Bed and Breakfast” and the powerful lines read: “Most (bacteria) pay well for the room and board you provide. And by fighting off other microscopic beings, they may even save your life”. Well that’s all the boy needed to hear, the once dreaded bacteria that were about to take his life were a life saver! All my positive, supportive talk could not have changed his mental story as fast as reading that one line. Sometimes we just need a little help to jostle us out of our current mindset.

What stories are you telling yourself about going back to work? What are your greatest fears about the dreaded office? Any words of encouragement from working moms or moms that recently transitioned? How do you deal with your kid’s fears?